The Day After

May 2, 2013 by Jim and Jerolyn Bogear

Last weekend we attended a wedding. Actually Jim officiated it. It was at a beautiful country club under a gazebo set in front of a lake surrounded by a lush, green golf course. The bride was radiant; the groom regal. There was food and laughter; dancing and cake. The black and white damask covered table settings were perfect under a white cloth-draped ceiling. The whole evening was magical.

And then the marriage begins…..

You wake up the next morning with stinky breath, messed up hair, pillow-crease lines across your face and reality begins to set in. You are now sharing a home with a unique, imperfect individual who was raised in a different family than you. What if he doesn’t do everything like you do it? He has many abilities and talents, but he also has some idiosyncrasies that can drive you crazy. How is this going to work?!?

We get asked this question over and over again. So here is how we answer what to do after the marriage.

1. Be completely sold out to absolute commitment and unconditional love for your spouse. There is no option 2. This is who you will be with for the rest of your life Start with that premise and work from there. Really learn about who they are – the good and the bad. (Remember, you have good and bad, too. This is a two-way street. Grace must abound.) No matter what age you married, you will continue to grow and change for the rest of your life. Instead of fighting those changes, support your spouse as they grow. Help them become the best person they can be. You are their #1 cheerleader! Make sure they know that. You are both now Team (insert last name here.) And as a team, you must both be pulling on the same side of the rope. Everything you do must be so the team can win.

2. Which brings me to #2. Selfishness must go out the window. “The two shall become one.” Now this is not to say you can’t still pursue your own dreams or enjoy doing things you enjoy doing. It does not mean you are no longer an individual with your own voice. But it does mean that decisions have to be made with two people in mind, not just one. What is best for the two of you, not just for you. When you have disagreements, you argue not for your own way, but for the best way for you as a couple. And yes, sometimes your own desires must be deferred for a time for the better choice for the two of you. Selflessness will sometimes involve sacrifice. But the relationship that is gained is worth it. You become stronger as two people more than you ever were as one if you work as a team striving for the same goal – a marriage.

~Jerolyn