Luggage vs Baggage

Mar 26, 2013 by Jim and Jerolyn Bogear

So often people talk about “baggage” that we all bring into a relationship, but let’s look at both parts we bring into a relationship – positive and negative. Since we like to use the analogy of baggage let’s take it a bit further with the flying analogy.  We bring both good and bad into a relationship, and we are choosing to refer to this as luggage and baggage. People use the term baggage, which is fine, but on a trip we actually do need to take some very valuable necessities… luggage. And so we need to do the same in a relationship. So let’s visit this concept of luggage vs. baggage as it relates to relationships.

Honestly we all carry baggage into a relationship, but realistically, much of what we bring is luggage as it simply comes with us, we own it, good and bad. Some of it is baggage, and needs to be discarded, changed, cleaned up, or left behind.

We need to adjust, grow, and learn from our past. The things we bring into a relationship, the paradigms, preconceived expectations, and ideas and behaviors that we have learned and practiced from previous relationships come with us. They are very much a part of who we have become. For instance, we have learned some behaviors from our family upbringing, then expect those thoughts and behaviors to be lived out in our own marriage and family.

The problem is we both bring in our separate viewpoints, then crash goes the perception/expectation. How do we deal with these? Luggage is more than okay, in fact necessary, as we all can bring much good to a relationship.This luggage — the healthy items we bring into a relationship — help us live and interact in strong and healthy ways. Some luggage items may simply stem from the different ways we have been raised and taught; neither of us wrong, just different. We still need to address these items and choose which ones will best benefit our relationship.

Baggage, however, symbolizes problematic issues that can cause us to collide with another person, has been a dysfunctional thinking in our lives, and/or have lived out in unhealthy ways in our families. Whatever the reason, “baggage” needs to be confronted and changed to make the current relationship healthy.

1. What is luggage and what is baggage in your life and relationships?
2. How do we learn to recognize, acknowledge, and deal with both?

Maybe it is semantics but to clarify:

Luggage is needed and a realization of who we are and how we function. It is not unhealthy although it may be different. Discussion still needs to happen to come to understanding and agreement on the individuals in the relationship.

Baggage is that dysfunction, those things that are unhealthy and hurting, that we have chosen to continue and must be confronted.

What’s in your suitcase of life and relationships? How honest are you willing to be to discover luggage and baggage? What needs to be “checked in,” “carried on,” or left behind for the life trip and adventure of relationships.

~Jim