Meeting Needs

Dec 4, 2012 by Jim and Jerolyn Bogear

Several years ago now Jerolyn and her accountability partner of 17 years (That is another blog for another time.) chose to do a study together. It was on Loving Your Husband. I thought, “Good idea.” Not that she needed it but thought it couldn’t hurt…courtesy laugh inserted here.

Then something happened…I thought, “What if I did the Loving Your Wife study?” Obviously I didn’t need it but thought it couldn’t hurt…now the actual laugh. BTW, I still recommend these studies and give these away for marriages that choose to become stronger.

As I started going through the study, a principle really stuck out to me. I had known it before, but it was clear that I was not practicing it like I should.

The principle: Meet her needs and quit worrying about how she is meeting my needs.

I had counseled couples on this and taught it routinely, but God was speaking to me to live it out. “Quit worrying about your needs; you are being selfish. Marriage is about being selfless.”

As I continued the study I honestly took to heart the lesson of the principle and began to apply it. Nothing attempted to be gained here. Simply doing my best at finding out her needs, and genuinely caring enough about her to meet those needs. Learning to ask and listen to someone’s needs is huge in any relationship.

Like we have all said, easier said than done. The principle had been there all along. I knew it in my head, but practicing it in tangible ways needed to happen — whether Jerolyn was meeting my needs or not. It was my vow to her. It was my privilege and responsibility as her husband to do this, and to get over my insecurities about me and my needy self.

I began to do my best to practice this and to genuinely meet her needs. It revolutionized our marriage.

AND an incredible thing also began to happen. It was amazing to me how many of my needs began to be met as I met her needs.

• What are your spouse’s needs?
• How are you doing in meeting those needs? How do you know?
• How are you doing in the selfless vs. selfish department of your marriage? How about in other relationships?

~Jim

Note: Loving Your Husband and Loving Your Wife Studies by Jack and Cynthia Heald (Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1989)