Why is Change So Hard?

Jul 14, 2014 by Jim and Jerolyn Bogear

 

“It is easier to just keep doing what we have been doing, rather than doing the things necessary to change.” Keith E. Webb (The COACH Model p. 97 Keith E. Webb 2012)

As I was studying for some further coaching training, I came across this statement by Keith Webb. And the question came to mind, “How often do we feel this way in our marriage?”

Even young marriages, 1-7 years, can get into ruts and some very bad habits. We start doing things a certain way and simply never stop. We may know that they are not the best way of doing things. We might even know a better way to do it. We simply don’t take the time to make the change. Why is that?

So let’s say you have been eating eggs every morning for breakfast for the last ten years. You like eggs. They are simple and quick to cook.

Then you learn that you actually have an egg allergy, and you should stop eating them. The problem is you have developed this habit of eating eggs every morning for ten years. You really don’t care for oatmeal. It’s difficult to keep milk in the house for cereal. Toast is boring and pancakes are fattening. So you simply stay with eggs. Yeah, they may not be the healthy choice for you, but it’s what you know. Why bother changing. You can live with a few hives, right?

That’s what happens when we stay in the bad habits of our marriage. We become stuck in doing those things that are not good for our relationship even though it seems the easier choice to just keep doing it that way instead of taking the time to make a change.

But change is exactly what you need to do!

Destructive habits in a marriage can:

• Break down communication.
• Increase conflict.
• Cause division and distance in your relationship.
• Simply make your marriage boring.
• Kill the romance.
• Open a door to temptations outside your marriage.

Yes, it can become that destructive. Refusing to work on your relationship – change, renew, adjust – to new ways of doing things can take what was once a formidable romance to two people living as roommates. That is not a marriage. That’s a economical solution that could lead to a disaster.

So how do we make positive changes in our marriage?

Talk about the changes needed. You can do this as a couple or have a coach help you. If there are deep-seated problems involved, you may need to go to counseling to work through those first.

Plan timely steps to make the change. Nobody actually accomplishes anything without a deadline. If you have not made this adjustment before this point on your own, you will need to establish a timeline to get it done.

Hold each other accountable to the change. Have periodic check ups to see how each of you are doing in your responsibilities to make the change.

Always remember, you are changing to help your team win. No matter how hard change can be you and your spouse need to keep pulling on the same side of the rope. Your team needs to win. So if this change is going to help you win, that needs to be your motivation.

All of life is full of change. Go with it. Don’t be afraid of it. Your marriage may depend on it. Will you do what needs to be done to live in a healthy, growing, covenantal marriage?

What changes do you need to make in your marriage?

~ Jim and Jerolyn Bogear