Guest Blog: Fixer or Friend

May 23, 2013 by Jim and Jerolyn Bogear

Lauren Bogear Snider is our first born. She and her husband, Chris, have been married for 5 years today. (Happy Anniversary, kids!) They are in ministry in southern California. We are so proud to have Lauren guest blog for us today. You can read about their life and journey at http://mylifeblogls.blogspot.com/.

My husband and I are both fixers by nature. He is more the handyman type – he can pretty much fix any broken thing. I’m more the emotional fixer – I want to hear your problems and help you figure out a solution.

We learned early on in our marriage that when one of us came to the other with a problem, the other would immediately try to fix it. Sometimes, this was a good thing. Other times, however, the one with the problem was not actually looking for a solution – just a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear – and would get frustrated at the spouse who was trying to fix the problem. This seemed to then cause more problems.

So we came up with a solution: when one of us goes to the other with a problem, the other spouse is to ask, “Do you want a Friend or a Fixer?” This forces the one with the problem to voice what they need from the spouse, and it allows the other spouse to know what the one with the problem needs. If I say I need a friend, my husband knows to just listen and let me talk out my thoughts and feelings. If I say I need a fixer, then he knows that he can offer suggestions for how to go about fixing my problem.

It’s not a full proof, scientific method, but it has helped us a lot. Remember, if you say you need a Fixer, be willing to listen to your spouse’s suggestions. Be honest about what you need, and remember that your souse may not always have the answers.

• Are you a Friend or Fixer by nature?
• Is your spouse a Friend or Fixer by nature?
• Most often, do you need a Friend or a Fixer?

Talk to your spouse about which one you both are and see if asking, “Do you need a Friend or a Fixer?” will help you when facing a problem.

~Lauren Bogear Snider